Well, this is my first story ever posted on here. I wrote it when I was bored at lunch one day, and it was just kind of written in a stream of conscious kind of way. I didn't know what I was writing about until it was finished. Feel free to do say whatever you please about it. (:
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The walls were growing closer, and the roof was caving in. It was the end of the world as I knew it, and he was aware of it. I could see it reflecting clearly is his eyes. I could see it, but he would never admit it. I just wanted to hear him speak it out loud, before we went our separate ways. I didn't want him to leave without a word, keeping me wondering if maybe he would come back for me.
He tossed the keys back and forth in his hands, my ears filling with the sound off the jingling. The second that noise stopped, it would be over.
I held my breath and watched his motions.
Toss, ching. Toss, ching. Jingle jingle. Toss, ching.
Stop.
"I'm leaving," he said to the empty room.
I moved my face closer to the screen, watching him gather his things into a small bag, then cringed as he threw it over his shoulder and headed for the door.
Stupid me, I had left the door unlocked. I could've sounded the alarm, signaling to all the sleeping guards and personnel to get off their lazy butts and just stop him, for Christ’s sake.
I didn't, though. I couldn't bear to see him locked in that room anymore. I had left the door unlocked for a reason. It was the same reason I had left the keys to my nice little car sitting on the floor. The same reason I was risking my current job and my future career.
I just couldn't bear to see him in there anymore. I didn't like the way the other nurses treated him; the way the doctor eyed him whenever they were "getting somewhere." I hated the way those awful pills made him feel, and the way he cringed when he saw me walking towards him with that little white cup.
So I had to let him go. It's not like he was really hurting anyone if he wasn't here. Well, anyone besides me. He had never done anything wrong, he was just...different, and there was nothing wrong with that in my book.
Tears began to form and spill over as I stared at the empty white room. How could anyone live in a room so sterile? That's right, I had to let him go. I loved him. I had to let him go.
In the morning, I would be gone, too. I no longer had a car, but I had money too support my bus fare and my new life.
My friends, my family, my past didn't matter.
He was gone, and the world was over.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Basically, I liked it. It has a lot of potential, but I didn't completely feel the emotion in the piece. You need to put yourself in the piece a little more, because right now, even though she's obviously in love with him and sad to see him go, you need more of that author's touch in the story.
Try to lengthen the sadness, maybe by ading in a good memory of him or a bad one, like how she decided to help him leave. But mix up the emotions and feelings by trying to make the main character have a lot of internal conflict. Don't be afraid to let the emotions play in this one; it should be a very hard time for them both and don't feel like you need to have your charcter hold back on anything.
Over all, the grammar was pretty good, but I would check a few things and maybe reword a couple of sentences to make them flow better.
This piece also wasn't as cliche as most authors' first works are, but the plot could use a little bit of tweaking. And even if you didn't adjust the plot, I still think that the story will turn out well.
I have to say this is great for your first piece and I recommend continuing this story;). Welcome to YWS and I might add that this is definitely a job well done!
0(o.o)0
Thank you!
I think you have fabulous talent so if you had any doubts, by all means knock them out. Your work is great, rough on the edges but great.
. Also I'll advise you work on that and your writing will be hotter than you know.
It was pretty obvious that the story created itself by itself trust me you didn't have to say that
I must commend your grammar, even though you can add a bit more fun with more punctuations, well done on your lack of mispellings.
Happy writing.
Thank you very very much.
this was cool. i liked how you let the reader figure out what was going on.
my one problem:
the magnitude of how much you love him is clear in the story (pretty much the story's point..) and i don't think you need to put the "i loved him" in bold, or maybe even say it at all. that part was the only part that struck me as cheesy or amateurish.
the rest though was great. if you fill it out a bit more and give it a little more style i think it would be a really nice piece.
and by "filling it out" i don't mean giving more background on the characters or their situation. that kind of obscurity worked really well here. i mean just like expand some of the paragraphs with more detail/imagery so that the piece can actually claim to have a style or tone (it doesn't really seem to have one at all right now- it is kind of anonymous) (ok, maybe that is my second problem..).
so yeah.. in writing this review i have consciously understood my two problems with this piece (why it was very good but not amazing)- 1) the "i loved him" in bold made me cringe and 2) there wasn't much of an author's voice.